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Шутки и анекдоты

В этом разделе вы сможете почитать короткие шутки и смешные анекдоты на английском языке. Анекдоты предполагается пока просто скидывать в одну кучу, затем будем категоризировать. Если у вас есть, чем поделиться с нашими посетителями, то можете добавить свой анекдот.

  • Шутка про сравнение
  • What's worse than having termites in your piano? Crabs on your organ.
  • BAR... ALLIGATOR
  • A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. Its about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, , - Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. Its going to bite one of my customers and Im going to get sued., - The guy says, , - No no no, its a tame alligator. Ill prove it to you., - He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligators mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligators mouth and zips up his pants and says, , - See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?, - The drunk down at the end of the bar says, , - Yeah, Id like to try it but I dont think I can hold my mouth open that long!, -
  • MOPEDS AND FAT LADIES
  • What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? Theyre both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
  • GOOD PLACE TO EAT
  • You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they dont know. And youre looking at them, like, You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin.
  • THE LAWYER TOO BIG TO BURY
  • Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
  • WEIGHT LOSS ADJUSTMENT
  • A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. - I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me? - - Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes. - The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. - But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead! - - True, - replies the doctor, - and you should see what you have for a collar and tie. -
  • AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR
  • An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. - What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! - , he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out - Oh my God!.... - Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, - You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I dont exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? - The atheist looked directly into the light - It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian? - - Very well, - said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: - Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful. -
  • BIRDMAN
  • Little girl: - Why does your son say, Cluck, cluck, cluck? - Mother: - Because he thinks hes a chicken. - Little girl: - Why dont you tell him hes not a chicken? - Mother: - Because we need the eggs. -
  • BLONDOG
  • Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? From chasing parked cars!
  • BEAUTIFUL
  • A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, - Youre beautiful! - and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, - Youre cute! - Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of - beautiful, - it was - cute. - She asked, - What happened to beautiful? - His reply was - The drugs are wearing off! -
  • BLIND, BLONDE, & BALLSY
  • A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, - Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke? - The man says back to the blind man, - Look buddy, Im blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke? - The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, - Nah, I wouldnt want to have to explain it five times. -
  • CARROTS
  • How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
  • COMA AROUSAL
  • A man rushes out of his wifes hospital room. - Doctor, doctor -- my wifes been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed! - - Thats very encouraging, - says the doctor. - Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts. - A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: - Doctor, she moaned! - - Very good, - says the doctor. - Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that! - Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. - Doctor -- she died. - - No! What happened? - the doctor exclaims. - Well, doc, - the man says tearfully, - she choked. -
  • BEDSIDE CONFESSION
  • Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: - I should warn you, Ted -- Ive got acute angina. - Ted: - Your breasts arent bad either. -
  • BLONDE ARROW
  • Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed.
  • ADDING BLONDE
  • Q: Why couldnt the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldnt find the 10 key.
  • DELIVERY COINCIDENCES
  • Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, - Congratulations, youre the father of twins. - - What a coincidence, - the man says. - I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team. - A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, - You are the father of triplets. - - Thats really an incredible coincidence, - he answers. - I work for the 3M Corporation. - An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, - I dont believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence! - After hearing this, everyones attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, - I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers. -
  • Хороший танцор
  • Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet..
  • First day at school
  • Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?” Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
  • Father's help
  • Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.